Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
