I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
