I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
