She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
