So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
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