She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
