I wish I could teleport
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
