I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize