Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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