Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
