I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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