FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
