somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize