Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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