My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
