I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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