Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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