I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
