the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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