I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
