We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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