eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my shit smells like andre
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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