Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
