Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
