that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
