what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize