my phone needs a breathalizer
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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