the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
