So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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