Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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