Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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