Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
