He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
