She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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