the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
