Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
