I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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