Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
