after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
