I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
