I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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