So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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