She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
