You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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