I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
