i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
