she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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