Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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