The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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