the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
