and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
