after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
