no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
