im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
