two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
