i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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