why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
