shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize