i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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